How to have a ‘wife’ in every port (and have hubby be ok with it)… and other expat essentials.

They say ‘it takes a village to raise a family’ and it’s a sentiment that I believe holds a lot of truth. So what happens when you find yourself living OS and your ‘village’ is somewhere else entirely, in a different time zone a literal world away? Well, you build one of course. 

So from this blog I have already established that us ‘trailing spouses’ can be described as many things: polygamist and builder of villages just for starters.

Family ties are really important to me and having my kids feel like they are part of ‘something bigger’ is also high on my agenda. I am also a kinda quality over quantity person when it comes to friends. Looking back now that I am about to leave my 3rd ex-pat posting with the little people, I can see a pattern developing. It goes a little something like this: 

1. Dating – You’re new in town you know NO ONE. Then there’s that moment you meet someone for the first time and realise you have something, anything in common with them. It might be that they are new as well, your kids are the same age, you’re from the same home town, or maybe they are just a bloody nice person and quite frankly you’d like to expedite this relationship to a higher level. It happens quickly in this world, you make friends, you bond over where to buy Australian broccoli, how to cross the road or when on earth you can find lamb for dinner without having to re-mortgage the house. So you ‘ask’ them on a date. Hey – person I just met – what are the chances you would like to meet me for a coffee after school drop off so I no longer feel like a loser sitting in the coffee shop on my own not knowing a single solitary soul? (all the while in your head saying please please please say yessss!). So if you’re successful and they do say yes, you meet the next day because you’re new, you know no one and you’re kinda desperate for a bit of company that doesn’t involve talking about Minecraft or fart jokes. 
2. The follow up – Does this person like me back, could this person potentially be the first member of my new village ? The pressure is on and the stakes are high. No one wants to crash and burn when it comes to making friends in a city where you feel like a total Nigel no friends. You have a second coffee date, maybe even a third and then the relationship escalates to a whole new level! 
3. The emergency contact – I am sure everyone who has ever re-located overseas has had that feeling of total utter isolation when you enrol your kids in a new school and THAT question comes up on the form. 'Please provide at least one emergency contact' (yeh, I know it’s a first world problem – so that quantified I will proceed). Are you SERIOUS? AT LEAST ONE emergency contact? Have you just forgotten that I have left EVERYONE that I know behind in another country (or sometimes even countries – plural) to move here and although I am currently on a recruitment drive to fill ‘my village’ at this exact point in time, as in right here right now, I HAVE NO FRIENDS. I repeat NO FRIENDS! Let alone someone that my kid knows well enough to step in, in a said ‘emergency’. So, with nothing to lose and an emergency contact to gain, you text the friend you had coffee with two days ago and say ‘hey, how do you feel about me putting you down as my emergency contact on my kids school form?’. You then pray to God that this person you are ‘courting’ as your potential new ‘partner in crime’ is not saying to themselves in a very loud voice ‘PSYYYCCCOOO’!!! So when this in fact happened to me – imagine my relief and utter jubilation when the text message was returned to me saying ‘Sure – no problem, I have already listed you as my kids emergency contact’ GAME, SET, MATCH! That right there ladies and gentlemen is like going to third base! I am in – she likes me, things are getting serious, this relationship has a real future. It’s almost enough to make you do a happy dance! 
4. The coffee turns to alcohol – So emergency contact aside, considering you have now been to the ex-pat equivalent of ‘third base’ with this person, you feel like you have some leverage to exercise preference over the nature of your ‘dates’. Coffee turns into wine, which turns into brunches, and BBQs and great afternoons all hanging out with the kids as one big happy extended family and before you know it – your village is taking shape.
5. The marriage – So some time has passed and now you have to think twice about the exact time difference between your current location and your home town, however you know exactly when it was that your ‘new wife’ text you back. You know when your next catch up is and maybe even what she is having for dinner. You talk every day, you physically see each other if not every day, then every second day and the question of ‘what are you doing today?’ turns into ‘what are WE doing today?’ Let’s face it, with the men folk travelling a lot for work there is a time when you realise that maybe, just maybe, there are days when you communicate with this new found friend, villager, spouse, more than your actual spouse. They know your kid had a fever the night before from an ear infection. They know you’re struggling a little at the moment because you’re missing home. They know your actual family by name and the names of all your BFFs at home. Then there is my favourite, your kids great them with a huge hug and smile when you all meet up … and vice versa. And eventually you get ‘Aunty’ as a prefix to your name. THAT is when you know you have just entered into the holy convent of ‘ex-pat wifehood’ (and there’s also the one where her actual husband refers to you as her ‘wifey’).

Honestly, I have been so, so blessed in all the places that I have lived with the people that I have met and I hold all of them very, very dear within my heart. If it was not for the close bonds that I have held with these women, I am sure my ability to survive and thrive would be greatly diminished. 

We should never underestimate the value of beautiful, true, genuine friendships. Especially when your kids are young. I believe as mums this is a time when we are often the most vulnerable. We are entering a whole new world when it comes to our lives and coupling this with a literal whole new world by living in a foreign country can really rock us off our axis. Combine this with the pressure we often put on ourselves as parents, the lack of family support because of distance and often being solely responsible for the social life of the entire family – it’s a lot of extra pressure. To have these women in our lives to vent, and laugh, and cry and share personal things even after only knowing them for a relative short time is something I have grabbed with both hands. 

You know how people rate dog years, i.e. seven dog years = one  human year? I think that’s kinda the same for ex-pat years. I have found myself confiding in, sharing with and loving friends after just one year and it honestly feels like I have known then for much, much longer. This is one of the things I am truly grateful for in this nomadic lifestyle, the pure, genuine, rock solid friendships I have had the opportunity to foster and grow over the past few years. I have friends that LOVE my kids like aunts and grandparents and I in turn love theirs like my nieces and nephews. I have no doubt in my mind that my kids feel like they are part of something bigger and that they are loved and cherished outside of our nuclear family. I feel that the other kids in their lives have been like cousins, so familiar that they can be themselves, and so loving that small indiscretions are overlooked. And they are always always asking to spend time together.

When I look at my Singapore wife and her amazing kids it makes my heart literally swell to think of all the things we have done together. From nights by the pool, chucking all the kids in the car and heading off on Friday night adventures to having the privilege to be there as we welcomed OUR fourth child into the world (haha just joking – the bubba really isn’t ours, it’s totally hers and hubby’s). I simply cannot image my life now if our paths had not crossed. From day 1 when we first rocked up to school with our babes in prams and we said the ultimate pick up line – ‘Do you want to go and grab a coffee?’ So now, thousands of coffees later and almost three years on it will soon be time to say ‘see you soon’ to this marriage. The marriage that has been rock solid and fun and funny and spontaneous and so, so very genuine. Not sure at all how you do that, but I guess I better try and figure it out. I should be an expert by now but this is one thing that is not in any way easy.

I have done it before and I know I can do it again and I know for certain that it’s not goodbye it’s always ‘see ya soon’. I know it’s true as in a few weeks I will be re-uniting with an old (she’s actually not old – she’s younger than me) wife and ‘cousins’ of my kids, or should I just say villagers from our time in Hanoi. To say that I can’t wait is a TOTAL understatement.

PS: Men folk, please don’t underestimate the power of bonding over a coffee. Yes I know you think it’s just us chicks sitting around doing nothing except spending all your money but that humble little coffee date can and does lead to bigger and better things. It gives your kids playdates, it gives you access to a social life outside of the office and it gives us ‘trailing spouses’, who have left all behind to start again and again AND sometimes again, a soft place to land, a place to connect, to de-brief, to engage and without that … well the cost of the therapy would far outweigh the cost of coffee!

My Kiddos and some of their 'village cousins'

Above image courtesy of i-world images

Image courtesy of WonderLight Photography https://www.facebook.com/WonderLightPhotography.photo

The exit strategy - the cold hard facts!

The exit strategy – the cold hard facts!

We are now T minus 10 for our departure (it’s more like 19 1/2 days but I thought T minus 10 sounded kinda cool) from Singapore to Hoi An and the packing is underway… You would think I am the world’s best packer by now but sadly that is hugely mistaken!  

Fact 1: I HATE packing!! 

The majority of our ‘stuff’ is owned by the two smaller members of the family. Not sure how THAT works – but again another fact!

Fact 2: Expect the smallest members of the family to have the MOST ‘stuff' 

BUT, I believe when re-locating with kids, the most important thing is they have their things around them to make them feel at home as quickly as possible. Yes we all know kids can live with less, that there are kids that have nothing and I tell my kids this ALL THE TIME. Just ask them, they’ll probably even imitate me when they repeat my words back to you: “there are kids in the world that have nothing – and yes, we know we are very lucky’. I really think they do have some concept of just how lucky they are – well I hope they do anyway. 

However their stuff is their stuff and for an eight year old who has already has his ‘stuff’ dissected, sold and chucked out at least three times in different moves, life can be kinda tough. So much to hubby’s dislike, I try and be a bit ‘thoughtful’ in what we get rid of and what we take… And then I also chuck a bunch of stuff down the garbage shoot when they are at school too (cue evil laugh). Not sure how long my answer of “oh I am not sure, I think it’s in storage” will suffice when asked “where is my blue marble (yes, as in singular, just one marble… just ONE!) that I love with every inch of my heart?” So point being, happy kids = happy life, so if we need to pack up and ship a bunch of stuff that make the little people feel at home then so be it! 

How your kids deal with change is obviously dependant on your child’s personality and kids are ALL different! Anyone would be excused for thinking when you give birth to your second child and they are the same sex as the first they would be pretty much the same type of kids… Well how wrong could I be?! 

Fact 3: Just because your two kids are both boys doesn’t mean they are the same! (OK kinda irrelevant to this post but I still want to say it)

Kid 1 is a hoarder (may or may not be a trait he inherited from my side of the family?). He is sentimental and would hold onto a paddle pop stick if his best mate had used his pocket money to buy it for him! Kid 2 – he’s a different one altogether and the process of ‘decluttering’ is so much easier with him around. When my questions of chuck or keep is constantly answered with ‘CHUUUUUCK’ my negotiating process of just how much we ship is so much easier than Kid 1’s answer ….”NOOOOOOO I love that scrunched up piece of paper that I drew a circle on when I was 2 !” I think it’s really important to give your kids some input into what’s important to them when relocating. Well to at least let them THINK they have had input. Then you chuck the crap when they are not looking… just joking! In all seriousness if they feel they are part of the process, I assure you the move is far less traumatic.

So my next task at hand is setting the kids up for the big move. They have been to Vietnam so they have a concept of what they are ‘in for’ which is one point for the parents. Also, because of the nature of our kids and the fact that Kid 2 idolises Kid 1, all is right with the world as long as his brother is by his side. So it pretty much means if we manage Kid 1 right then Kid 2 just slots right on in with whatever is going on.

This all make me think of a brilliant piece of advice a friend gave me a few years ago when the tears and apprehension starting flowing about our impending move from Hanoi. She told me to ‘build a raft’ for my kids… It kinda sounds like ‘building a bridge’. You know kids, you’re only five and your whole world is about to change, but hey just get over it! Hahahah no,  THAT folks is not the great advice, building a ‘RAFT’ is the great advice. RAFT is an acronym for:

R: Reconciliation

A: Affirmation

F: Farewells

T: Think ahead

Reconciliation: Making sure ‘all is right with their world. Ensuring there is no ‘bad blood’ left behind, saying any unspoken words to make ‘relationships right’ before you leave.

Affirmation: Talking with your kids and affirming the great things in your life in your current destination. Like “how lucky we have been to have lived in Singapore”, “what a great school it is that you guys have gone to”, “you have made so many wonderful friends here” or talk about some of the amazing experiences you have had. 

Farewells: This is a really important one for the whole family and farewells aren’t just reserved for people, farewells can mean favourite places as well. Farrer Rd Hawker market has become a family favourite for us for Sunday breakfast so we’ll make sure we have our ‘last visit’ to the hawker. This is really important for kids to get closure. Last ‘playdates’ with best friends and last visits to favourite places (making sure they are aware it is the last time) help them really be at peace with leaving these things behind with happy memories. (anyone that knows me here in Singapore probably knows that a farewell to Baker & Cook and Brunetti’s will be high on MY agenda)

Think ahead: Thinking ahead and talking about where you are going. Planning exciting things for everyone to look forward to and talking positively about what your new life might be like. “We can’t wait to get to Vietnam as we will be able to go to the beach most weekends”, “when we move to Vietnam you will be able to ride your bike to school”, “our friends and family will be able to visit and we can look forward to showing them around”, “I can’t wait to see all the great new friends you are going to make”, “YES I PROMISE I will try my best to find a house that has a balcony so you can chuck paper planes into the rice paddies…(and then go and pick them up because we don’t want to litter)”.

So you see, building a raft can make kids feel like there is a plan for them for what’s coming up ahead. It wraps your last experience up in a nice neat package that they can happily leave in the past. It becomes a great memory but they can move ahead to the next adventure with excitement and understand that everything is going to be ok.

So with packing, chucking and building rafts, I have a LOT to get through in the next few weeks. So I best be off and make the most of the time that I have. Now where is MY diary so I can schedule in my own farewell!

Some images from our 'local Hawker' which has been a Sunday breakfast favourite.

What is a 'Noodle Change'

Some people have a Sea Change, some people even have a ‘Tree Change’.......

We, however have decided on a move from the clean, orderly, cosmopolitan Lion City of Singapore to the sometimes sleepy, often crazy, always beautiful - Ancient city of Hoi An !…….

WE are taking a ‘Noodle Change’

I by no way think we are unique in this crazy travelling nomadic’ish’ lifestyle that we have chosen…...agggghh hmmm…... (not sure I necessarily CHOSE this but it evolved over time & I have learnt to ‘go with the flow’ & i’d actually have it no other way) fallen into whilst raising our young kids. 

We meet & are surround by families almost everyday that have chosen to raise their kids outside the norm, away from their birth countries & bring up ‘Third Culture kids’ - MAN the combinations of people that I have met, one of my dearest friends is South African, her & hubby have chosen to raise their kids OS & have so far lived in Poland, Vietnam and Jordan & their kiddos are only five & nine ! Ladies & gentlemen we have a mini United Nations right there - in their living room ! I have other friends that have taken their young families to live in South America, Africa, other parts of SE Asia & beyond - my point being, WE are not special or unique, in fact around these parts we are actually really quite ordinary ! 

I have travelled since I was 22, leaving home as a bright eyed, slightly green (although I would never have admitted it) young excited backpacker to travel the world and settle down for a few years in London. I instantly FELL.IN.LOOOOOVE with London, so much that after my initial two years there, my heart & soul itched to get back and I moved back & lived there an additional two times ! This is also where I met my husband - after having grown up in the same area of Sydney we met on the other side of the world ! See folks what travel does :)

In additional to living in London for a total of around five years over time we also spent six months living in Peru & have been blessed to have the opportunity to travel to many parts of this big beautiful world including, Asia, Africa, Middle East, Europe, the Pacific and South America & Central America. It is an honour & a privilege to show the world to my kids & such a buzz to see it all again through their fresh excited eyes. What is it that they say ? "The school of the world IS the world" & I love that my kids have had a childhood filled with worldly experiences.

I grew up in the same house, in the same street, in the same suburb with the same neighbours MY.ENTIRE.LIFE !!! I LOVED what we had, the stability, the certainty the predicability of having such history with a house & a neighbourhood - however my kids have a VERY different childhood to me ! 

My eldest had lived in 4 countries by the time he even turned six FOUR COUNTRIES !!! plus had also travelled to a few more. My anchors in my childhood were my house, my bedroom, my neighbourhood - his are us, his parents, his brother, his family (& at times his iPod - hmmm)! Its a different kind of reality - not bad, just different ! 

So - I repeat, WE are NOT special, this is not why I am writing this blog. Why I am writing this blog is, in a way for my kids. See this is our LAST ‘hooray’ our last year away before we head home to ‘settle down’ sometimes it completely takes me by surprise but my eldest 'Kid 1' is now heading towards the end of Australian grade three (OMG where DID that time go ??) which means by the time we head ‘normal side’ he will be due to start grade five ...... GRADE...FREAKIN....FIVE !! (I keep telling him he’ll always be my baby :) ) - with NO schooling in Australia AT ALL (although he attended an Aussie school in Singapore) 

My point is - no history, no mates he’s known since he was really small, no sharing birthdays & school camps year after year, no school pictures with the same kids to look back on when he is a teenager & laugh at how everyone has changed, no one to say - hey remember the summers when we were kids & used to ride our bikes around all day ! ……but like I said, not bad just different. 

Instead he has friends from literally ALL OVER the world, his average weekend as a two year old involved searching for crabs on Samoa's most exotic & STUNNING beaches, he has ridden on the back of motorbikes to school in Vietnam (& yes those families that squeeze 4 people onto a motorbike - that has been us),  he's gone on a 2 night school excursions to Malaysia when he was only 8, walked the Myanmar soccer team onto the field in an International soccer game, Represented his school alongside Sir Peter Cosgrove presenting Koalas to the Singapore Zoo & attended ANZAC day dawn service and Kranji War Cemetery, BUT amongst other ex-pat kids, all those experiences are terribly ordinary ! SO how do you measure a childhood ?

Sorry, I digressed -  my point is, before he heads off to High School (GAAAA - that always seems so far away) we have decided its best for him to have two years at an Aussie primary school, to create some history before he heads into that next chapter of his little life.  So being that this IS our last year away from ‘planet normal’ Ive decide to document this for my kids, because although this IS their normal, I know once they get back to the REAL normal that there is a chance that no one will even care that they have lived in Samoa, & Vietnam & Singapore & Vietnam again ! They will just be the 2 new kids at school who like Minecraft & soccer & Skylanders & I am sure pretty soon all that  they have seen & done & experienced will fade into the back story of what makes them them. 

But one day, when normal becomes so normal that they have almost forgotten what its like to ride a motorbike & rattle off numbers in Mandarin & eat Prata for Sunday breakfast in the local Hawker & have friends from all over the world - they can look back, here to this blog and see what an amazing experience they have had, and if they want, they can show their friends.....IF they are interested - in what life was like for them growing up as a ‘third culture kid’

So here it is, for my boys, for our friends and family and for anyone else that is interested:

OUR NOODLE CHANGE xx

PS: Would LOVE to hear your thoughts and comments :)