It is - what it is !

It is what it is 

This little saying right here folks is one of my VERY favourites. 

So many things are wrapped up in those five little words, things like:

‘Live in the moment’

‘Be grateful for what you have’ 

‘The grass isn’t always greener’

‘In this moment I am ok!’

‘I have faith that I WILL be ok’

See by saying this – and REALLY meaning it – you’re offering acceptance. Acceptance of the situation, of yourself, of what you have right now. IT IS WHAT IT IS. We can’t change what has happened we can only make the best of what we have got – right?!?

Countless times a week…actually, a day...I wonder if I am breaking my kids. Am I - their mother - doing everything humanly possible to give them the best start in life that they deserve? After all the raising of humans is a HUGE responsibility. So big in fact I often wonder why the universe entrusted lil ol ME with said tiny humans. If I think of the big picture the responsibility is overwhelming BUT to live in the moment, to enjoy today with them is, well, it’s pure bliss. 

The teenager years – gah – are something I am sure instil fear in even the most capable parent. When the fear of the teenage years kicks in I think of an amazing mum who I love dearly. This mum has raised two and a half incredible, amazing teenagers so far (with 1/2 to go) and when I see them together I think maybe, just maybe, I can do this ! This mum is a person in my life that I have always looked up to and admired and I am so incredibly lucky to be able to call her my beautiful cousin.

It’s only now I can begin to understand what it is that make her the incredible Mum, friend and person that she is. The magical reason is that she doesn’t sweat the small stuff.  She might see it differently but that is how I see her. I look at her and I see the relationship she has with her kids and the fact they all LIKE each other for starters is enormous. I see that when she is with them the rest of the world melts away and it’s just them, in a bubble. Her, hubby and their three most favourite people in the whole entire world. That doesn’t just happen ! It take hard work, patience and most of all acceptance.

I want THAT! I want to raise kids who ‘like’ me – who want to spend time with ME regardless of how boring or daggy or ‘mumsy’ I may become. The other day my cousin told me a story that literally made my heart swell. She was on canteen duty and her pre-teen son came in with his mates to ‘score’ some free stuff. As he was leaving he called back to her “Thanks mum – love ya”. His mates sniggered at him so he turned to them and said “Dudes she’s awesome why wouldn’t I love her?”! 

THAT right there folks is one of those parenting moments when you KNOW you have made it! It’s the parenting equivalent of Olympic gold! I am almost certain that after that you go home, stand on a podium and hum the national anthem. Well at least pop a bottle of champagne right ?

I am well aware that all kids are not the same and not everyone is proficient at throwing around public displays of affection. This little guy has always been an if-I-love-you-I’m-gonna-shout-it-from-the-rooftops kinda kid. However this has given me a goal – I want to raise kids who like me. If my kids feel the need to express love for me in a public place then even better but I will happily settle for kids that as adults choose to spend time with me. But of course it’s a work in progress and for now, I am going to ‘live in the moment’ and enjoy them for what they are. 

There have been times when raising my kids overseas has thrown a few curve balls. But it’s nothing we haven’t been able to handle to date. They have had an amazing life, they have travelled, they have experienced many, many cultures and have been lucky enough to call five different cities home and they are only six and nine. They have friends from all over the globe, they have friends that have lived all over the globe. They ride on the back of motorbikes through rice paddies, barter in markets, hail taxis, ride buffalos, pass through airport security checks like a boss, board a plane as if it were  a bus and, like many of the kids that share their world, they have a good social conscious. Well that is what I am trying to install in them. 

They however have not been in a sports team with the same kids year after year, nor have they been able to pop around to Nanny and Pa’s on a whim for a cuddle and a cuppa. They have not had a BFF year after year and have not been able to celebrate their birthdays with family. We don’t have that wall in our home with those little pen marks that show just how much they have grown as a living representation of just how quickly time flies and how small they once were. 

See these are the things that I MISS, and sometimes I miss them so much my heart physically aches. These are the things I know they have missed out on, without them even knowing they have missed out on them. And here it is folks, those five little words: ‘It is what it is’ right there – BOOM! Their life is THEIR life and (thank god) kids don’t have ’sliding doors’. They don’t know the flip-side, the alternate life they may have had if we had raised them in one place. They only know ’their life’,  their immediate happiness and ‘right now’ and for kids that is totally ok.

That is one of the things that I love about kids. I am not sure when as adults we lose the ability to live in the moment. When do we start to wonder what we should have, could have, would have done differently? When do we start to worry about the future and what it may hold, if the choices we make today will affect the life we have tomorrow? When do we lose that ability to just enjoy what we have right now, today? 

More often than not the key to happiness – to REAL blissful happiness – is to live in the moment. To be ‘present’ and have moments when you let things slide, when you forget about the bills piling up and the milk spilt all over the kitchen floor, the worries on our minds, the fact that bedtime was 20 minutes ago, and the washing that is literally climbing up the wall. Instead we sit down with our kids, our tiny humans, and look at them, and I mean REALLY look at them and say: 

‘It is what it is’.

In THIS moment life is good. 

My two travelling 'like a a boss'

Some of the amazing things these monkeys get to do on a regular basis.

My mum and brothers when they were small - time goes too quick its always beneficial to stop and enjoy the little things. Me, my brother and my beautiful cousin (on the right)  

When the whole world is celebrating something you don't have - well that kinda sucks ! A tribute to those kids without Mothers and Mothers without their babies on Mothers Day 2016

This is something I have wanted to write about for a VERY long time, I guess for the most part the hardest bit is trying to articulate what is in my heart - to put it down on ‘paper’.

When the World is celebrating something you don't have - well, that kinda sucks. Nestled neatly between my Mum’s anniversary (of her death) and her birthday is Mother's Day, so it's like a trifecta of sorts, of memories and emotions all stuffed into one small space in time. But I guess that's the thing with anniversaries and birthdays and special dates - they roll around again and again every single year. So every single year those same emotions arise from deep in the place that we keep them stored away for the rest of the year. 

Like oil on water they float to the top and sit there like an ugly slick bringing contamination to our neat little lives. Lives we have managed to package up somehow and get back on track to what is a semi-normal state. Albeit with a chunk of ourselves missing, a big burning black hole in our hearts that will never ever be filled. We do this because that is what the world wants right ? It wants us in nice neat little packages that fit into a cookie cutter existence so everyone feels ‘comfortable’ being around you. How long do we get to grieve ? How many hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades is it humanly acceptable for us to ‘get over it’, ‘get on with it’, get ‘back to normal’. I admit it is very difficult to imagine the impact of loss unless you yourself have experienced it. 

For me, it's always been a part of my life, for as long as I can remember I feel I have always been aware of our mortality. When I was 5 one of my school friends was killed in a tragic accident and at age 11 my Dad passed away. So it was no feat for me to understand that we all have a beginning and we inevitably all have an end. I know some kids live a life of freedom from this, the most trauma they have encountered is the loss of a pet, however some have to bear the burden of much MUCH more. I know how hard it was to watch my 3 year deal with seeing his Grandma loose her battle with cancer and get his head around that she is gone forever - its just not a concept that kids that little are equipped to deal with. 

I believe it does change you - to know that we have a end when you are young, it's almost like finding out that Santa isn’t real and that fairy tales are not true…one day we will all lose someone we love. I have friends that have lost children, as newborns, as young adults and I myself lost my brother when he was just 17. You don’t ‘get over’ that - you simply DON’T. No matter how much the ‘real world’ keeps spinning and the sun rises and birds chirp and people go about their business - you simple DO NOT EVER get over a loss like that. You find a way to move through it - to keep pushing forward like a hamster on the wheel. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other until one day your loss is not the VERY first thing you think of when you open your eyes. Sure it's there and it never leaves you and you think about it at some point in the day - in EVERY day. But there comes that moment when the cracks open up and the light begins to filter in and you can again start to feel the warmth of the sun on your soul. This is when you allow yourself to start feeling joy and happiness instead of pain and regret and guilt. 

But there is no time limit, there is no book of instructions and there is no ‘normal’ way to do this because nothing about this is normal. Instead you need support and understanding and love and compassion and most importantly TIME. Lots and lots of time… Where we grew up was close to a large cemetery and I always remember my Mum commenting on the lines of traffic that queued up each Mother's Day to lay flowers for the woman that they love. “Why do they wait till they are dead?” she would ask in genuine confusion, sometimes it is just like that. We never know what we have until it is gone.

I still miss my Mum even though its been six years and I am sure certain I will always miss her. Its especially tough when its your last parent and sometimes if I scratch just below the emotions on the surface it physically takes my breath away. This is something I want to write further about in the future - being an ‘adult orphan’ but for now I miss having her in my life, I miss my kids having her in their lives, I miss calling her, I miss having her on my side and most of all I miss having a Mum !

So - this Mothers day if you know a Mother without a child or a friend without a Mum, then please take an extra minute to think of them, to consider them, to show love and compassion to them for what they have lost. For what they will never ever ‘get over’ for what consumes them and fills their soul if they let it. Call them, message them, acknowledge them and acknowledge their loss. Speak of their child by name and continue to do so for the year ahead. 

And if you are lucky enough to have your mum within arms reach - hug her, spoil her, make her your ‘Queen for the day’ - because you know what ? Mums absolutely deserve it ! They are a once in a lifetime kinda humans.

In loving memory of my Mum and with the deepest respect for my beautiful friends who arms are empty this Mother's Day xx

My mum in her 'hey day' with my 2 brothers before I was born

My Mum and Me <3

The 2 beautiful humans that made me a Mumma

My Mum with my youngest - less than 4 weeks after this photo was taken she was gone.