When the whole world is celebrating something you don't have - well that kinda sucks ! A tribute to those kids without Mothers and Mothers without their babies on Mothers Day 2016

This is something I have wanted to write about for a VERY long time, I guess for the most part the hardest bit is trying to articulate what is in my heart - to put it down on ‘paper’.

When the World is celebrating something you don't have - well, that kinda sucks. Nestled neatly between my Mum’s anniversary (of her death) and her birthday is Mother's Day, so it's like a trifecta of sorts, of memories and emotions all stuffed into one small space in time. But I guess that's the thing with anniversaries and birthdays and special dates - they roll around again and again every single year. So every single year those same emotions arise from deep in the place that we keep them stored away for the rest of the year. 

Like oil on water they float to the top and sit there like an ugly slick bringing contamination to our neat little lives. Lives we have managed to package up somehow and get back on track to what is a semi-normal state. Albeit with a chunk of ourselves missing, a big burning black hole in our hearts that will never ever be filled. We do this because that is what the world wants right ? It wants us in nice neat little packages that fit into a cookie cutter existence so everyone feels ‘comfortable’ being around you. How long do we get to grieve ? How many hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades is it humanly acceptable for us to ‘get over it’, ‘get on with it’, get ‘back to normal’. I admit it is very difficult to imagine the impact of loss unless you yourself have experienced it. 

For me, it's always been a part of my life, for as long as I can remember I feel I have always been aware of our mortality. When I was 5 one of my school friends was killed in a tragic accident and at age 11 my Dad passed away. So it was no feat for me to understand that we all have a beginning and we inevitably all have an end. I know some kids live a life of freedom from this, the most trauma they have encountered is the loss of a pet, however some have to bear the burden of much MUCH more. I know how hard it was to watch my 3 year deal with seeing his Grandma loose her battle with cancer and get his head around that she is gone forever - its just not a concept that kids that little are equipped to deal with. 

I believe it does change you - to know that we have a end when you are young, it's almost like finding out that Santa isn’t real and that fairy tales are not true…one day we will all lose someone we love. I have friends that have lost children, as newborns, as young adults and I myself lost my brother when he was just 17. You don’t ‘get over’ that - you simply DON’T. No matter how much the ‘real world’ keeps spinning and the sun rises and birds chirp and people go about their business - you simple DO NOT EVER get over a loss like that. You find a way to move through it - to keep pushing forward like a hamster on the wheel. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other until one day your loss is not the VERY first thing you think of when you open your eyes. Sure it's there and it never leaves you and you think about it at some point in the day - in EVERY day. But there comes that moment when the cracks open up and the light begins to filter in and you can again start to feel the warmth of the sun on your soul. This is when you allow yourself to start feeling joy and happiness instead of pain and regret and guilt. 

But there is no time limit, there is no book of instructions and there is no ‘normal’ way to do this because nothing about this is normal. Instead you need support and understanding and love and compassion and most importantly TIME. Lots and lots of time… Where we grew up was close to a large cemetery and I always remember my Mum commenting on the lines of traffic that queued up each Mother's Day to lay flowers for the woman that they love. “Why do they wait till they are dead?” she would ask in genuine confusion, sometimes it is just like that. We never know what we have until it is gone.

I still miss my Mum even though its been six years and I am sure certain I will always miss her. Its especially tough when its your last parent and sometimes if I scratch just below the emotions on the surface it physically takes my breath away. This is something I want to write further about in the future - being an ‘adult orphan’ but for now I miss having her in my life, I miss my kids having her in their lives, I miss calling her, I miss having her on my side and most of all I miss having a Mum !

So - this Mothers day if you know a Mother without a child or a friend without a Mum, then please take an extra minute to think of them, to consider them, to show love and compassion to them for what they have lost. For what they will never ever ‘get over’ for what consumes them and fills their soul if they let it. Call them, message them, acknowledge them and acknowledge their loss. Speak of their child by name and continue to do so for the year ahead. 

And if you are lucky enough to have your mum within arms reach - hug her, spoil her, make her your ‘Queen for the day’ - because you know what ? Mums absolutely deserve it ! They are a once in a lifetime kinda humans.

In loving memory of my Mum and with the deepest respect for my beautiful friends who arms are empty this Mother's Day xx

My mum in her 'hey day' with my 2 brothers before I was born

My Mum and Me <3

The 2 beautiful humans that made me a Mumma

My Mum with my youngest - less than 4 weeks after this photo was taken she was gone.