It is - what it is !

It is what it is 

This little saying right here folks is one of my VERY favourites. 

So many things are wrapped up in those five little words, things like:

‘Live in the moment’

‘Be grateful for what you have’ 

‘The grass isn’t always greener’

‘In this moment I am ok!’

‘I have faith that I WILL be ok’

See by saying this – and REALLY meaning it – you’re offering acceptance. Acceptance of the situation, of yourself, of what you have right now. IT IS WHAT IT IS. We can’t change what has happened we can only make the best of what we have got – right?!?

Countless times a week…actually, a day...I wonder if I am breaking my kids. Am I - their mother - doing everything humanly possible to give them the best start in life that they deserve? After all the raising of humans is a HUGE responsibility. So big in fact I often wonder why the universe entrusted lil ol ME with said tiny humans. If I think of the big picture the responsibility is overwhelming BUT to live in the moment, to enjoy today with them is, well, it’s pure bliss. 

The teenager years – gah – are something I am sure instil fear in even the most capable parent. When the fear of the teenage years kicks in I think of an amazing mum who I love dearly. This mum has raised two and a half incredible, amazing teenagers so far (with 1/2 to go) and when I see them together I think maybe, just maybe, I can do this ! This mum is a person in my life that I have always looked up to and admired and I am so incredibly lucky to be able to call her my beautiful cousin.

It’s only now I can begin to understand what it is that make her the incredible Mum, friend and person that she is. The magical reason is that she doesn’t sweat the small stuff.  She might see it differently but that is how I see her. I look at her and I see the relationship she has with her kids and the fact they all LIKE each other for starters is enormous. I see that when she is with them the rest of the world melts away and it’s just them, in a bubble. Her, hubby and their three most favourite people in the whole entire world. That doesn’t just happen ! It take hard work, patience and most of all acceptance.

I want THAT! I want to raise kids who ‘like’ me – who want to spend time with ME regardless of how boring or daggy or ‘mumsy’ I may become. The other day my cousin told me a story that literally made my heart swell. She was on canteen duty and her pre-teen son came in with his mates to ‘score’ some free stuff. As he was leaving he called back to her “Thanks mum – love ya”. His mates sniggered at him so he turned to them and said “Dudes she’s awesome why wouldn’t I love her?”! 

THAT right there folks is one of those parenting moments when you KNOW you have made it! It’s the parenting equivalent of Olympic gold! I am almost certain that after that you go home, stand on a podium and hum the national anthem. Well at least pop a bottle of champagne right ?

I am well aware that all kids are not the same and not everyone is proficient at throwing around public displays of affection. This little guy has always been an if-I-love-you-I’m-gonna-shout-it-from-the-rooftops kinda kid. However this has given me a goal – I want to raise kids who like me. If my kids feel the need to express love for me in a public place then even better but I will happily settle for kids that as adults choose to spend time with me. But of course it’s a work in progress and for now, I am going to ‘live in the moment’ and enjoy them for what they are. 

There have been times when raising my kids overseas has thrown a few curve balls. But it’s nothing we haven’t been able to handle to date. They have had an amazing life, they have travelled, they have experienced many, many cultures and have been lucky enough to call five different cities home and they are only six and nine. They have friends from all over the globe, they have friends that have lived all over the globe. They ride on the back of motorbikes through rice paddies, barter in markets, hail taxis, ride buffalos, pass through airport security checks like a boss, board a plane as if it were  a bus and, like many of the kids that share their world, they have a good social conscious. Well that is what I am trying to install in them. 

They however have not been in a sports team with the same kids year after year, nor have they been able to pop around to Nanny and Pa’s on a whim for a cuddle and a cuppa. They have not had a BFF year after year and have not been able to celebrate their birthdays with family. We don’t have that wall in our home with those little pen marks that show just how much they have grown as a living representation of just how quickly time flies and how small they once were. 

See these are the things that I MISS, and sometimes I miss them so much my heart physically aches. These are the things I know they have missed out on, without them even knowing they have missed out on them. And here it is folks, those five little words: ‘It is what it is’ right there – BOOM! Their life is THEIR life and (thank god) kids don’t have ’sliding doors’. They don’t know the flip-side, the alternate life they may have had if we had raised them in one place. They only know ’their life’,  their immediate happiness and ‘right now’ and for kids that is totally ok.

That is one of the things that I love about kids. I am not sure when as adults we lose the ability to live in the moment. When do we start to wonder what we should have, could have, would have done differently? When do we start to worry about the future and what it may hold, if the choices we make today will affect the life we have tomorrow? When do we lose that ability to just enjoy what we have right now, today? 

More often than not the key to happiness – to REAL blissful happiness – is to live in the moment. To be ‘present’ and have moments when you let things slide, when you forget about the bills piling up and the milk spilt all over the kitchen floor, the worries on our minds, the fact that bedtime was 20 minutes ago, and the washing that is literally climbing up the wall. Instead we sit down with our kids, our tiny humans, and look at them, and I mean REALLY look at them and say: 

‘It is what it is’.

In THIS moment life is good. 

My two travelling 'like a a boss'

Some of the amazing things these monkeys get to do on a regular basis.

My mum and brothers when they were small - time goes too quick its always beneficial to stop and enjoy the little things. Me, my brother and my beautiful cousin (on the right)  

When the whole world is celebrating something you don't have - well that kinda sucks ! A tribute to those kids without Mothers and Mothers without their babies on Mothers Day 2016

This is something I have wanted to write about for a VERY long time, I guess for the most part the hardest bit is trying to articulate what is in my heart - to put it down on ‘paper’.

When the World is celebrating something you don't have - well, that kinda sucks. Nestled neatly between my Mum’s anniversary (of her death) and her birthday is Mother's Day, so it's like a trifecta of sorts, of memories and emotions all stuffed into one small space in time. But I guess that's the thing with anniversaries and birthdays and special dates - they roll around again and again every single year. So every single year those same emotions arise from deep in the place that we keep them stored away for the rest of the year. 

Like oil on water they float to the top and sit there like an ugly slick bringing contamination to our neat little lives. Lives we have managed to package up somehow and get back on track to what is a semi-normal state. Albeit with a chunk of ourselves missing, a big burning black hole in our hearts that will never ever be filled. We do this because that is what the world wants right ? It wants us in nice neat little packages that fit into a cookie cutter existence so everyone feels ‘comfortable’ being around you. How long do we get to grieve ? How many hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades is it humanly acceptable for us to ‘get over it’, ‘get on with it’, get ‘back to normal’. I admit it is very difficult to imagine the impact of loss unless you yourself have experienced it. 

For me, it's always been a part of my life, for as long as I can remember I feel I have always been aware of our mortality. When I was 5 one of my school friends was killed in a tragic accident and at age 11 my Dad passed away. So it was no feat for me to understand that we all have a beginning and we inevitably all have an end. I know some kids live a life of freedom from this, the most trauma they have encountered is the loss of a pet, however some have to bear the burden of much MUCH more. I know how hard it was to watch my 3 year deal with seeing his Grandma loose her battle with cancer and get his head around that she is gone forever - its just not a concept that kids that little are equipped to deal with. 

I believe it does change you - to know that we have a end when you are young, it's almost like finding out that Santa isn’t real and that fairy tales are not true…one day we will all lose someone we love. I have friends that have lost children, as newborns, as young adults and I myself lost my brother when he was just 17. You don’t ‘get over’ that - you simply DON’T. No matter how much the ‘real world’ keeps spinning and the sun rises and birds chirp and people go about their business - you simple DO NOT EVER get over a loss like that. You find a way to move through it - to keep pushing forward like a hamster on the wheel. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other until one day your loss is not the VERY first thing you think of when you open your eyes. Sure it's there and it never leaves you and you think about it at some point in the day - in EVERY day. But there comes that moment when the cracks open up and the light begins to filter in and you can again start to feel the warmth of the sun on your soul. This is when you allow yourself to start feeling joy and happiness instead of pain and regret and guilt. 

But there is no time limit, there is no book of instructions and there is no ‘normal’ way to do this because nothing about this is normal. Instead you need support and understanding and love and compassion and most importantly TIME. Lots and lots of time… Where we grew up was close to a large cemetery and I always remember my Mum commenting on the lines of traffic that queued up each Mother's Day to lay flowers for the woman that they love. “Why do they wait till they are dead?” she would ask in genuine confusion, sometimes it is just like that. We never know what we have until it is gone.

I still miss my Mum even though its been six years and I am sure certain I will always miss her. Its especially tough when its your last parent and sometimes if I scratch just below the emotions on the surface it physically takes my breath away. This is something I want to write further about in the future - being an ‘adult orphan’ but for now I miss having her in my life, I miss my kids having her in their lives, I miss calling her, I miss having her on my side and most of all I miss having a Mum !

So - this Mothers day if you know a Mother without a child or a friend without a Mum, then please take an extra minute to think of them, to consider them, to show love and compassion to them for what they have lost. For what they will never ever ‘get over’ for what consumes them and fills their soul if they let it. Call them, message them, acknowledge them and acknowledge their loss. Speak of their child by name and continue to do so for the year ahead. 

And if you are lucky enough to have your mum within arms reach - hug her, spoil her, make her your ‘Queen for the day’ - because you know what ? Mums absolutely deserve it ! They are a once in a lifetime kinda humans.

In loving memory of my Mum and with the deepest respect for my beautiful friends who arms are empty this Mother's Day xx

My mum in her 'hey day' with my 2 brothers before I was born

My Mum and Me <3

The 2 beautiful humans that made me a Mumma

My Mum with my youngest - less than 4 weeks after this photo was taken she was gone.

So its ANZAC day...

So its ANZAC day in Australia - a day that has always resonated with me, on many levels. Its the day we became a Nation, a day of national pride and a day that the true Aussie spirit was born.

20 years ago today - I stood as a young backpacker on the shores of Galipoli in the very place that those young boys we call ANZAC’s landed. If they survived in an instant they were transformed from boys into men. The paradox of us arriving a guests, travellers on an adventure of a lifetime, young, free with the world at our feet. These men left the safe shores of our home land with the same mindset - an adventure, the world at their feet…until that moment as dawn broke and their boats crossed the darkness of the Dardanelles to land on rocky shores and be literally destroyed by the enemy. I couldn’t help make reverence to what they had seen as their boats arrived, expecting to land under the cover of darkness, unknown to their enemy but instead finding the exact opposite. The opportunity and the honour to attend the Dawn service at ANZAC Cove in both 1996 and 1997 is an experience that I will always hold dear.

My eldest is 9 and he is quickly developing his social conscious which is something I am really tyring to nurture in him. Particularly as he has spent a huge portion of his little life living and travelling in the developing world. I really want my boys to be aware of how blessed they are. Last year he experienced his first Dawn service at Changi War cemetery and it was a very sobering occasion and one we were both honoured to attend, especially as Aussie ex-pats away from home. This is a tradition that I really wanted to continue with him, for him to be able to pay his respect for the blessed life that he leads and to be aware of the freedoms that are ours because others have paid the supreme sacrifice. However this year - living in Hoi An the only services were small events held at pubs and I decided that maybe his was not the environment that I had in mind for him to remember. So we did not attend and tonight we will sit down and talk, and pay our respects to those boys that gave up their youth so that we can say we are from the worlds luckiest country. 

So as I sat last night reflecting on my decision to not take him to service in a pub in Danang I realised that we had just had a an experience the day before, in Cambodia that allowed him the opportunity to reflect on the turmoil of war. While in Siem Reap we visited the Cambodian Landmine museum. Below is an exert from their webpage about how this centre was born:

The Cambodian Landmine Museum was established in 1997 by ex-child soldier Aki Ra.  After years of fighting he returned to the villages in which he planted thousands of mines and began removing them, by hand, and defusing them with homemade tools. 

In 2008 he established a formal demining NGO, Cambodian Self Help Demining (CSHD).  CSHD is a separate NGO and apart from the Museum. They clear landmines throughout the country.

The idea for a Relief Facility came around when Aki Ra saw many children wounded by landmines and those in extreme poverty. He brought them to his home, where he and his wife raised them as their own, alongside their own children. Originally, all of the children at the facility were landmine victims. Today the facility cares for children who suffer from a variety of difficulties.

The Relief Facility houses over 2 dozen children from small villages in Cambodia. The children are enrolled in public government school to continue their education. The Facility also has its own school building to enrich the children's education with a computer lab, a library, English language classes, a playground, and a staff of 14. The Relief Facility accepts volunteers to help teach English, work in the Museum and assist in the office.  

Again this is a very sobering place and one where the utmost respect is required once you have walked through the doors. The statics here are mind blowing, like the fact that it costs USD $5 to lay a landmine and USD $500 to clear one. The fact that Cambodia and many other Countries in the world are littered with land mines and un-exploded weapons of varying degrees. The fact that in a time of war when devices created to maim and kill were scatted across these countries there was no tally of what was dropped, there are no maps of the mines that were laid. The consequence of which is that now, in peace time there is absolutely no way of knowing exactly what is out there or how big the task at hand is to clear these area and make them safe.

Or how about the  statistic that still today in Cambodia approx 120 people each year will either be killed or made an amputee by a landmine, one third of these victims are children and almost all of these are boys. IMAGINE sending your child out to play or to gather wood or food and there is a VERY real risk that they could step on a landmine - it takes my breath away ! 

The K5 mine belt in Cambodia is considered one of the most hazardous place on the planet … I repeat - ON.THE.PLANET !!! and this is MAN MADE ….. humans CREATED this and this is something that I can’t quite wrap my head around.

We as humans have been gifted this amazing planet that is abundant in water and food and resources for us ALL to live in peace and harmony. But here we are STILL fighting, killing, causing hate and harm. My goal is to raise kids that want to change the world for the better, who want to make the world a better place, who want to encourage their friends to make the world a better place and who live with respect for what we have. I want them to live alongside the knowledge of how dreadful man can be, but counteract this knowledge with notion that we can be better. That with love and grace we can create a road map for peace.

There are so many people doing so much good in Countries like Cambodia but without the spoils of war there efforts would not be warranted. Humans can be hideous but they can also be amazing … like Aki Ra and then 10's of thousand of other people world wide that get nominated for things like the CNN heroes (If you have heard of this I urge you to google it and watch some of the grabs - it will truly inspire you)

So today I pay my respects to the ANZAC’s, to the child soldiers of Cambodia and Sierra Leone and many other countries in the world. I pay respects to the armed service Men and Woman that are currently serving our Countries, to the Vietnam Veterans, to the families that have lost and lived without their loved ones and those that are displaced and living in war zones today.

LEST WE FORGET … and may we continue to strive for PEACE 

You can see more information about the Cambodian landmine museum and why Aki Ra made the top 10 CNN Heroes list for 2010:

http://edition.cnn.com/SPECIALS/cnn.heroes/archive10/aki.ra.html

My friends and I at the 1996 Dawn Service in Gallipoli

Changi War Cemetery, Singapoe - Dawn service 2015

Changi War Cemetery, Singapoe - Dawn service 2015

My kids and their 'cousin' outside of the Cambodian Landmine Museum - Siem Reap

Our transport from Siem Reap to the Landmine museum, it was approx 45 min journey bumping along dusty dirt roads to get there. We saw so much of real Cambodian life along the way.